Now that it looks like I might have a valid job offer very soon, I'm thinking some realistic advice for the unemployed or soon to be unemployed is in order. This is in contrast to that given by by the currently employed folks who write for the newspaper. For example, they had one of those articles today that gave 71 ways to survive in a tough economy or through unemployment. Now, I understand how they are trying to be helpful and need to fill newsprint but most of their suggestions are along the lines of "find a time machine, go back 10 years and save everything you make," which is one of those ideas that, although good on paper, might be best described as "freaking nuts."Yet another great proposal was along the lines of getting rid of your home phone if you have a cell phone. Now, perhaps this is a great idea for anyone under 30, but how in the heck am I going to make a cell call if the first step for me to make a cell call is to first locate the cell by calling it from the home phone? Unless I tie it to the wall with one of those phone cords, which as I think of it does seem like a rather good and doable idea, no one will ever hear from me again. This high technology did work for the television remote control in the bedroom which seemed to go missing daily. The remote that is, not the bedroom. Anyway, after I tied that remote to the bed with a very long piece of yarn, I could just reel it in when I couldn't find it. Technology at its best. Until the cat managed to take off with the yarn, bumping along as he went.
So, here are a couple ideas not mentioned in the article that I think are most helpful:
1. Put the kids to work. After all, they have more energy anyway. As you can see, Aidan opened his Oreos for Unemployment Store soon after the great lay off. Now, as any responsible parent would do, I made sure that he also got to understand economics and getting screwed by "the man" by first making him pay me back for his cost of goods sold before counting his profits. And, because I bought the Oreos at CVS which apparently only stocks Oreos that are made of solid gold, the cost of goods sold was roughly twice that which it would have been had the supply been purchased at the local Walmart. And, I would have ended up with a good payback had
Walmart not had such a prominent display of their $2.50 Oreo's right at the entrance and a child smart enough to know that the $4.59 he had been charged was something like highway robbery or in his vernacular, "unfair." After explaining to him the art of negotiating before sealing a deal and how wonderful it was that he learned this lesson early, I relented and gave him the difference between the two so as not to be put in some type of SEC jail for price gouging. Heck, the kid even went door to door so I had to at least give him some credit for his energy useage.2. Go on the unemployment diet. This diet consists of buying 3 sandwiches for $2.49 at BP for breakfast, 4 hotdogs/corndogs for $4 at QT for lunch and 4 tostidos for $4 at QT for dinner. Buy refills for the adult drinks. Get the kids the "free sample" cups filled with some bright red stuff while at BP, all the while pointing out that they shouldn't be drinking high fructose corn syrup junk which is why having them drink from a thimble is just one of mom's many, many ways of showing them just how much they are loved. Add a copious amount of relish to the food, daily vegetable requirements will be met and you'll feed a family of four for $75 a week, excluding weekends where you arrange to be fed by the parents or find a potluck, church picnic or large family reunion where you can just blend in and tell them you know "Ann" or "John". We have discoverd that ever reunion or family has one member with that name.
3. Steal. Now, although it is an idea, it must be pointed out that very serious negative karma will occur should one choose this path. In our case, we have done this without intention and we are going back to both stores in question but we discovered that you can a. walk out of a store with a huge box of baby butt wipes under the buggy and not find it on your receipt and b. walk out of a different store with a big bag of flower bulbs in your buggy even through the clerks personally walked over to both buggies in question and supposedly scanned all items. Who knew it was that easy other than CVS as they are clearly charging for this shrinkage when they sell Oreos?
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