Introducing Nemo to Jesus

Took the kids to an Epiphany party a couple of weeks ago. Although we were solidly beyond the Epiphany period and had taken our Christmas tree down, we figured the party was a potluck and do we ever love food, especially when we don't have to cook it ourselves. Of course, a potluck requires us to bring a food offering ourselves unless the setting has a back door we can sneak in, something that can't always be guaranteed although we do our best to scope out a venue in advance. Fortunately, I am now quite a pro at the Gladware fake-out which involves carefully selecting some nice store bought goodie and then putting one serving of the same in the Gladware and then shaking the heck out of it, unevenly distributing the food substance throughout the container. I then put the rest of the food in for delivery. Everyone, with the sole exception of Martha Stewart, knows anything cooked at home doesn't have precise 45 degree angles and tends to fall apart so my method makes store-bought look like my own. Martha, I'm sure, does need her baked goods cut precisely into 45 degree angles and probably achieves the same by employing some little metal grid she designed with recycled tin foil, the packaging from a pair of tweezers and a needle. However, I'm wise enough to deliver my goodies with a few corners broken off to ensure that home goodness experience that all desire. That is, of course, if there is no confirmable back door at the venue.

So, we made it to the church for the party just in time for the food which was really good as we are all a bit rabid when hungry. The kids were dressed per the invitation, Mia as an angel and Aidan as a shepherd. Our costuming was brilliant in conception and lovely in execution although for some reason protested by the one old enough to know we were taking him to a party with a lovely patterned pillow case wrapped around his head. The pattern didn’t seem to be the issue but the medium sized binder clip, our fastener of choice when duct tape just won’t do, was. After I explained that binder clips were invented somewhere in Jerusalem around 1 B.C, and that moms who really love their kids don’t give their kids store bought costumes he relented. That and fear of mom's encroaching rabidity. I also threw in a robe sash for good measure.

The invitation also specifically stated that the children were to bring a stuffed animal to put in the manger during the Christmas pageant which is why we were bringing the kids dressed for action. So, the one that was old enough to be given a choice considered carefully and considered his sheep, baby Eeyore, and a host of other stuffed farm creatures. After some deep thought, he selected Nemo. A large, neon orange Nemo. Upon being counseled on how Nemo would just go belly up in the rarefied world of air versus water and then wouldn't fit down the toilet for disposal, he made sure I knew Nemo had made it in our home for three years and he didn’t expect a church to kill him. Having no effective argument left, Nemo it was.

So, we have the kids out in the hall of the church getting ready for the pageant and I send him, protesting, with Nemo. An aspiring thespian he is not. Having come into the hall a tad late, we hadn’t noticed that there was no manger. Nada, Zip, Zero. And as we were chasing Mia under the tables, we hadn’t noticed that none of the other kids had animals for the manger which didn't exist. So, after rehearsal, the kids parade in. Two Virgin Marys. One Joseph. Twelve or so angels. And ten or so Shepards but only one with a pillow case on his head. Carrying a humongous Nemo and looking at me with eyes that said something like, “I’m carrying a large orange Nemo to an invisible manger while wearing a pillowcase on my head. Has it not occurred to you that this is just wrong on so many levels?" I motion for him to stuff Nemo under the robe sash for an updated take on the whole Shepard thing called "Shepard just coming back from fishing." He gives me the "You are creating huge future therapy bills" look until I sneak up to him and calmly removed Nemo from the production. Mia approved. At least she gave him a round of applause.