We have a new toaster

Mia, Adian and I bought a shiny new toaster this weekend. They were on sale two for $9 which begs the question, is the toaster cruddy enough that we need to have one in reserve or were the Red Ball store's ad men into the eggnog already? We made the trip armed with fishy crackers to feed Mia. She is beginning to dive for them while you aren't looking and will bite any hand that gets in the way which I believe is her way of keeping us on our feet. So far, its working.

Since I was a little kid I have had a phobia about the toaster burning down the house. Probably a result of my father reminding us to pull the toaster out from underneath the cabinet before deploying it just in case it would catch fire. Considering we had a toaster that would actually launch the toast into the air, a fire was not improbable. The launching toaster, however, was a testament to the many ways my folks found for us kids to get exercise into our day. We'd get our plates, plant our feet securely, load the bread ammo and then chomp at the bit while we waited for the launch of our breakfast. Points were awarded for style and precision. But, we pulled that machine out from under the cabinets before even thinking of pressing the launch button.

So, I've been harassing the husband for a couple of years about the severe and immediate danger presented by a toaster that is used while under the cabinet. Tempting the fire fates I'd say. And then adding that my friend's/neighbor's/co worker's home just burned down, it was sad and the fire investigators were sure it was the toaster that had been callously left by the husband under the cabinets during use. Hard to verify so it made good press. I, however, in my continuous effort to add efficiency to my day had no compunction about pulling the toaster to the safe zone and then stuffing an English muffin in it, turning it on and then going upstairs to get a shower.

Last week, I ran out of English Muffins. So, I found some bagels and stuffed one into the toaster, turned it on and went upstairs to take a shower. When I heard the fire alarms going off, I knew it wasn't the cabinets because, by gosh, I ALWAYS pull the thing out. Our family began our evacuation plan which consisted of our four-year-old grabbing his three member stuffed toy entourage ("the guys") and calmly beginning to evacuate the building while the husband and I ran like hell down the stairs to see if we needed to grab Mia from her bed. Turns out, blueberries are particularly flammable. Who knew? I agreed to not do the same thing again.

I acquired some more English muffins a couple of days later. I stuffed one in the toaster, turned it on and went upstairs to take a shower. When I heard several of the fire alarms going off, I became confused as the muffins didn't have blueberries. The four-year-old told us to let him know if he needed to evacuate because "the guys" were tired. The husband beat me to the kitchen and I found him with a charred and smoking muffin on some kind of stick. I know he said something quite loving like, "Honey, I would hate to have you burned up so perhaps you should change your morning meal to doughnuts" but soley due to the smoke alarm's interference it sounded more like "I thought I asked you not to do this again."

Although it was quite obvious to me, I made sure he knew that I had indeed stuck to the terms of our prior agreement which was that I would not henceforth stuff a bagel into the toaster, turn it on and go upstairs. English muffins were clearly excepted from any prior arrangements. Although I know how much he appreciated my clarification, discussions are not part of my efficient morning routine so I then quickly exited the room to make up for lost time. And made plans to get some fishy crackers and go shopping.