Lion Poop Two Years Later

“African Proverb - Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up and knows it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning in Africa, a lion wakes up and knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve.”

In August 2008, I was the AIG gazelle and got run over by the Lion in one fell swoop. August 19, 2008. Clearly my previously unrevealed personal destiny to be the next day's Lion poop was to be fulfilled.

But, the ability and need of the Lion to digest this particular gazelle was poorly calculated by the Lion. Nope, this particular gazelle is a thorny mess that refuses to go down quietly. This gazelle has short stubby legs instead of those long thin ones that are easy to swallow. And, there is also that kicking and screaming factor to consider. According to the nuns from grades 0-12, my parents, my grandparents, the neighbors, coworkers, friends, family, the butcher and the postman, I apparently get a score of 56.3 out of 10 in that area. Seems I'm like that bouncy clown toy we used to beat on in our basement. Without the undertone of malevolence, of course. You hit the thing, it bounces back. You hit it again, same result. He comes back. Still smiling. It happens again and again and again. And, after a while, you come to the realization that this is only one of the many reasons you hate clowns so you just pound on the thing. Clancy the Stress Relieving Clown gets his revenge, comes flying back at your face with equal force and with his plastic seam dead center and leaves the imprint of the unmistakeably bloody "Clown Attack" scratch on the side of your face with it. Of course, one does not admit to others that Clancy the Clearly Malevolent Stress Relieving Clown has scored again. Nope. If the public wants to think you rescued a small child from a rabid racoon attack, that will work. It's only polite to just smile and move on. Anything else would not be gazelle like.

So, after two years of unmitigated retching and dealing with a lot of clowns we the people elected and a few we didn't, the Lion gave up, hacked up a reasonably undamaged gazelle, paid the price and brought her back.

I must say that being Lion vomit just isn't that bad of a thing to be. In fact, it is rather nice.