Rudolph Really Blows

Thanks to the son, we had some new and, in my esteemed and highly biased opinion, much more appropriate lyrics in our house this year for that annoying ditty about that poor reindeer who didn't get to play any reindeer games but then came through at the last minute to help a bunch of ignorant brutes in the true spirit of Christmas. Obviously, the deer was Irish.

I mean, here's a reindeer who was ostracized and demeaned by his peers on a regular and continuing basis for either having either a wee bit of Irish rosecea on his nose or a great love of fine Irish whiskey. Now, the acne theory is the most probable given the deer's excellent and presumed sober driving ability and his residence at the North Pole which is generally not considered to be anywhere near Ireland and Irish whiskey. Well, except by those educated in America where the geographical theory seems to be, "We are in America. What else do you need to know?" As an aside, it is worth noting that Santa is clearly Irish as evidenced by his giving spirit, glowing cheeks and his ability to drive especially well in fog, the official weather of Ireland.

But, some credence could also be given to the red-nosed drinking theory as it is a known fact that Irish whiskey is good to cure all that ails you and these cures can start young. Teething? Rub some on. Kid gets a cut, pour some on. Kills the germs and fixes it right up. If nothing else, the treatment eliminates any further complaining about the grievous injury just in case someone in hearing range might think dumping another dose of the whiskey over said injury is necessary. Nope, one burning antiseptic shot generally does it.

In fact, this cure works almost as well as that old Mercurochrome did which arguably had its benefits over Irish whiskey. Not only did that stuff burn like hell, it dyed your skin red, gave you the appearance of blood poisoning, swelling and the emergence of gangrene and, if you had me as a sister, the belief that you would imminently lose the injured limb due to the gangrene. As a bonus, you also got a strong dose of poisonous mercury. Not many kids raised their hand for a second dose of that stuff, especially the ones who thought they were hiding their limbs from the butcher knife. Nope, the injured party would suddenly turn into the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail right after the Knight's arms were cut off by King Arthur and the Knight is informed that he has no arms left. His response, "Merely a flesh wound." Apparently, he knew there was Mercurochrome in the area.

But as usual, I digress. Back to our red-nosed pal. In addition to the teasing and exclusion he suffered, one also has to consider what happened to his parents. Although the song doesn't explicitly say so, it is well-known fact his last name was "Disney." This means, of course, that one of his parents was killed or kidnapped when red-nose was still young and impressionable. This is a fact of life and requirement for all Disney animals and it is most likely that this bulbous nosed deer had at least one, if not both parents shot by the same hunter that mowed down Bambi's mom. Yum, venison. Or kidnapped by the circus that took Dumbo's parents, killed by the guy who got Simba's dad or eaten by the shark that got Nemo's mom.

So, after all of this teasing and trauma, the guy comes through at the last moment to light the way without any resentment or hard feelings. Now, I would have expected him to tell all the other reindeer to go to Hades and back, a response this red-nosed Irish acne patient feels would have been most appropriate for the reindeer situation. But no, Rudy comes through the way all true Irishmen (well, with the exception of Charlie Weis...) do - winning spirit, forgiving nature, there in a time of crisis and leading a team.

So, all considered, the son's lyrics do seem to be an improvement over the original:

Rudolph the red-nose reindeer
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw it,
You would even say it blows...

Yep, it blows all right.