Nuns explained

So, as a good Catholic girl, it is of utmost importance to make sure that I inoculate the kids with a good dose of nun respect. Due to the paucity of nuns in full habits in my local schools, raising the kids with the preferred dose of nun fear is, unfortunately, not possible so settling for the lesser nun respect has to do. Granted, the kids will never understand the evils of singing Meatloaf’s Paradise by the Dashboard Light at the top of their lungs in the school lunch room which is clearly a shame. As was made clear to me, such singing paves the road to hell. That is, except for the folks who have to listen to such warbling which is clearly considered an act of penance. I learned that those folks get to go to the front of the line while I’ll still be working on sleeping on it and praying for the end of time, oh, I’ll be praying for the end of time.

But, as usual, I digress. Due to my thoughtful parenting philosophy, I know it is not good to confuse eager young minds even if I have no clue how not to do so. I know that the nun life lesson should wait until the son is at least out of the severe nightmare phase before I thoughtfully and respectfully explain in my clear manner how women wearing robes, veils and clanking chains of rosaries and who may be inclined to come after you with a stick significantly differ from the ghost of Christmas past with all of his accoutrements. For the good of all, I put this little life lesson on the shelf.

However, the nun explanation task is taken off the shelf by my lovely mother, she of daily Mass attendance. Lo, she provides the son with the Catholic Readers Digest version of convent life and the religious vocation with a visual aid. Having been a teacher and all, it is clear she recognizes that the multi media approach to explaining Catholicism is the way to go. She pulls out and demonstrates Nunzilla, a windup walking nun dressed in a full habit that spits sparks out of her mouth as she goes. And, the mother further demonstrates to the son just how cool it is that nuns walk along just spitting fire until they somehow fall off a cliff as represented by the living room table. Apparently, a demonstration of their selflessness. Quite the education.

So, we are sitting in our designated pew in the church, the one which is the second from the front. As it is my policy that we need to sit close enough to the front that the kids think the priest or Jesus can just reach out and wop them if they misbehave, we are firmly planted in our seats when it happens. A nun appears in full habit and walks right in front of us to receive communion. And, as she prayerfully pauses in front of us, the son uses his yelling inside the church voice to ask, “Is that a nunny?” Upon confirmation of the same, he then gets really excited and asks if “THAT IS A REAL NUNNY????”

I quickly let the son know in my inside church, “you’d better watch it” voice that yes, it is a nun, not a nunny as nunnies only come out at Halloween with their cousins the mummies and, if she hears him, it is likely she will turn toward him and sparks will fly from her mouth. Sounded like a perfectly reasonable thing to tell him at the time as all good Catholic school kids know that sparks flying from a nun’s mouth is generally fair warning that she might be a tad bent out of shape and, as a result, might do some general nun damage and the kid would therefore take it as a cue to shut up and exit stage left. And, had he been a good Catholic school kid, it may have worked. One of those little, annoying details. As it was, he publicly communicated his desire to “SEE THE SPARKS COMING OUT OF HER MOUTH.” Although I also thought that would be pretty darn cool, I knew I must react quickly and decisively and I did. I put my hands on my hips, turned toward the husband and gave him my best "I can NOT believe what you have taught our son" look until the said nun was far enough away not to wop me with a stick. Better safe than sorry.