Punch & Mints

So, our oldest apparently got married two weeks ago without any prior notice or public ceremony. This, of course, is a big downer for me for many reasons but, most importantly, because I have been practicing the mother-of-the-groom mantra since he was born; Show up, shut up and wear beige. Show up, shut up and wear beige. No one looks good in beige which is, of course, the point but I ask least wanted an excuse to get my hair and makeup done and perhaps some new shoes. Not shiny glittery ones as it would look weird with Mia chasing me down the aisle while trying to take them off my feet but new shoes nonetheless.

So, the lovely bride and my darling son apparently began to bond over punch and cookies during their morning preschool break and solidified their relationship on the monkey bars and swings. I knew nothing about it. I had taken him to Monkey Joes, a cavernous play palace with multiple inflatable jumping things for a party and the lovely bride was there. He studiously avoided her. I suspect that the reverb of the children's screams bouncing around the place may have given him the same shock and awe feeling that I had. Don't know who Joe is but we should unleash him on our worst enemies. During the Monkey Joe outing I sat with the rest of the defeated parents in the center of the chaos at the cheery orange picnic tables trying to figure out why they didn't have a bar as it would certainly be profitable and why Mia kept trying to pick up the patterns in the carpeting. Gosh it was fun. In a Clockwork Orange sort of way.

So, several days go by and his father goes to get him at school. The kid wants to stay a while and play in the playground with his friend from school. Says his little sister never gets to play and they should stay for a while. It's for Mia's benefit, of course. The little friend's nanny agrees which, I suspect is problem number one. After taking him to the mega birthday party for last year's love interest, I've been quite diligent in explaining to him that he will need to support his wife in a manner to which she has been accustomed. Having full-time house staff is certainly shooting quite high. But hey, its young love in the spring.

So, he and his love are circling the playground hand in hand and then go romping around picking flowers for his sister, I'd guess so that he can show his sensitive side. They were the church's daffodils from their garden but as we all know, churches are all for marriage.

And then the nanny, who has been standing by, breaks the news to the husband who was attempting to follow Mia around. She had been told by her charge that the lovebirds had gotten married the week before. Just like that.

Imagine the surprise. So, the husband waited until the shock had passed and got our oldest securely fastened into his booster seat and started the car. As we all know, it is best to question children while they are securely strapped into a car seat and the car is moving to not allow for escape. I use the method often, even though he does get a bit curious as to why I am circling the Walmart parking lot over and over at 3 miles an hour, muttering "we're going to the truth, we're going to the truth". He capitulates and then asks why, if we are going to Duluth, I appear to be driving in endless circles in the parking lot. He isn't generally satisfied by my telling him that there are some things that are just too complex to understand but he does seem to have the ability to know when to placate his mother so that he can go home to play.

So, he considered the question of his marriage quite carefully and then quite simply confirmed by stating, "She is not supposed to tell you that. It's a secret."

Two days later, outright denial. But then, I have to go to school for his parent teacher conference and run into my mother-in-law once removed who greets me quite warmly which was a good thing as I wasn't sure what to expect as it does not appear that my son followed the protocol and asked for his love's hand in marriage. Comes up behind him and next to me and states "so that's the husband". The husband, meanwhile, is hightailing it to the car. Then the mother-in-law once removed tells me that she hopes he can keep up as her daughter is high maintenance. Guess so, boys always marry a gal like dear old mom.

I guess some punch and mints are in order.